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Self-consciousness


After waking from a serene and peaceful afternoon nap (the best I’ve had in ages), I am gripped by an immense and sudden sense of self-consciousness.

I am glad that only a few people I know are reading my musings. I would not be able to bear it otherwise.

I feel as though I am betraying my self, cheapening my identity by allowing people to see me so wholly. Writing my thoughts down, while cathartic at the moment, fuels nothing but my own egotism and narcissism. It increases my self-satisfaction and is close to nothing but exhibitionism.

And yet I was pleased and curious and wanted Chloe to read it. I wanted others to read my soul and my self and expose myself to their judgement, their criticism and their praise. I wanted to sell myself out and make myself a commodity of the masses.

It could be the Moonlight Sonata that I’m playing on Youtube right now. Classical music, while admittedly not a world that I am very familiar with, manages to squeeze out strange feelings from me. I feel my fingers moving, speaking with an uneasy eloquence gripped by a strong sense of self-consciousness. I want to be seen and fear the attention at the same time. Which is why I wrote meaningless and inane posts in the last blog and convinced myself that I would almost never do it again. I don’t want people to see me.

No, wait.

I don’t want people I don’t know or care about to see me.

I would rather they focus on the smile I extend outwards. I would rather they focus on the cheery, affable persona that I bring across to other people. Calling it a persona may be mistaken, however. I’m pretty sure that’s “me” as well.

Fur Elise is playing.

I haven’t been playing G Senjou No Maou lately due to Christmas-y activity – speaking with old friends and family through the phone or through text – but it has brought forth a whole new world and reignited my interest in classical music. A pity that I would never be able to play anything close though.

Maybe I should ask Jakin to play a piece for me. Or Zhipeng. They’re musically inclined.

I see things in the music. Bach’s Air in the G String seems a fitting piece for a place like the Versailles Palace in France, where the crescent moon hangs in the background. Moonlight Sonata gives me the image of a quiet and secluded street in a European city and Fur Elise – it allows me to envision a man in church. No, a cathedral the size of Notre Dame.

Of course this is coming from an unpolished and ignorant individual so.

Stream of consciousness writing is really fun, hm. I am gripped with a sudden, intense desire to go to the airport. I guess I shall. Adios.


EDIT: Oh I was supposed to be going, was I not?

I felt inclined to say that I am a man gripped by an everlasting search for emotional intensity. Almost any experience is measured against that benchmark - I want to shake the world, to move things, to create, to destroy, to build and to tear down.

Ahem.

This seemed important. Important enough to write, in any case.

Goodbye.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
breyzyyin
Dec. 26th, 2013 07:14 pm (UTC)
I love Moonlight Sonata...I always get an emotional reaction to it, which doesn't always happen with every song I hear. Still, I think that's the interesting thing about classical music: this capacity to be able to see images in it.
steer2justice
Dec. 28th, 2013 06:29 pm (UTC)
Emotional reaction, hm…? That's one way to put it. Yeah, I agree. It's what sets it apart from regular music and I think classical has this really soothing quality to it that makes it ideal for relaxation and some contemplation.
ranalinde
Dec. 31st, 2013 08:10 pm (UTC)
I often get this same sort of self-consciousness when I feel like I'm revealing "too much" of my thoughts in posts. It does feel like I'm being narcissistic at first, but you know what? That's not such a bad thing, and it's a very natural impulse, to want to share your inner world with those around you, in particular those around you who may be able to understand you and reflect back to you something of their own that resonates with you as well. Existence is lonely and the only way we can assuage that loneliness is by sharing the only thing we truly know, our own selves, with the world outside. If that is narcissistic, then so be it. It is said that the Prime Creator gave birth to the universe when it could not bear to be completely alone. It created another "self", a mirror to reflect itself back to itself, and from there precipitated the rest of the manifest universe.

I totally agree there is a strange magic about classical music, especially that of Beethoven, who happens to be my favourite classical composer =W= Moonlight Sonata is one my favourite pieces from him actually. I still want to learn how to play it one day, but it's difficult playing anything on my piano these days because of the presence of birds. ORZ
steer2justice
Dec. 31st, 2013 08:15 pm (UTC)
I have nothing else to add to your first paragraph besides the fact that it resonated so much with me - and that it was such a beautiful way of putting it. Thank you. ^^

Yeah, I would think that it's a spiritual experience. I only really got into classical due to a VN I played but it's really soothing and I don't think I've ever slept as well as I have that night when I played classical music in the background to calm my nerves. Moonlight Sonata, as you said, is really good.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )