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Hypocrisy


*I copy-pasted from another blog I had and I apologize if you're unfamiliar with the names mentioned here. Just know that they're friends and people I know in real life.

I feel like a complete hypocrite.

It seems as though all I’m doing is telling people what they want to hear. Well, to some extent, I guess that is true. I acknowledge that I have this habit of molding myself to fit the other person. Yet I am still fundamentally the same.

Take today, for example.

I partook in three different social events today. I went out with Zhipeng in the afternoon, before heading to my grandma’s place to celebrate my sister’s birthday and I went out with my closest childhood friend in the evening til midnight. And at the same time I was talking to several other individuals through text messages. I did my fair share of encouragement and listening and offering my (uneducated) opinion – as usual. Yet the “me” that talks to Zhipeng and the “me” that talks to my childhood friend is different. I sat outside the shopping mall around eleven pm drinking a “breezer” with my childhood friend (an alcoholic drink btw) and talking about his relationship problems while being all formal and posh eating at a high class restaurant with Zhipeng and, well, talking about his relationship problems.

I wonder why people turn to me for answers and advice. I mean, it’s not as though I even know much to begin with. And listening to my childhood friend’s problems (women are throwing themselves at him like flies and he is currently in the unfortunate predicament of having a girlfriend and two other super close girls who have expressed interest in him and he actually reciprocated ah), I really feel as though I have no business here. Zhipeng, too. I wonder if I’m giving him the wrong advice. I mean, he thinks I made sense but then again.

Talking with Juni through text just made me extremely conscious and aware of how different we really are. I admire her faith and trust in God, certainly, but it feels rather uncomfortable to listen to her complete devotion at the same time. I find myself agreeing with her and telling her that she’s really a good Christian (I really think she is, honestly) but my words seem hollow almost seeing that I don’t even think being a good Christian is as important as being a good person.

Am I even a good person anyway?

I told Zhipeng today that I am the sort of individual who will only look out, first and foremost, for the people who care about me. It’s too tiring playing the hero and saving everyone and it’s impossible to do so anyway (though I always find myself trying unconsciously nonetheless). I profess to be completely ruthless and unforgiving against those who have wronged me in one way or another and he didn’t say much. Or at least I didn’t remember his answer.

And then I saw this little girl losing her grip on her balloon and chasing it frantically, running away from her parents to retrieve her precious possession. There was this black individual (though it happened so quickly that I didn’t know whether he was Indian or African-American tho it probably doesn’t matter anyway) who caught the balloon and passed it to me to pass it to the little girl and she smiled at me so radiantly. And then I think back to my earlier philosophy and I don’t think I’m acting like that. Zhipeng seemed impressed too and it seemed nice. And of course, feeling self-conscious, I tried to say that it was no big deal and that it was only because she was a little girl. That I couldn’t be bothered if it was some other person. I don’t know how true that statement was.

Granted it probably wasn’t a big deal. I mean, people live lives like that all the time. That little girl probably won’t remember this moment as vividly as I did. I don’t remember details all that often and well but it is moments like these that somehow come to mind.

And my aunt calls me misanthropic.

I don’t like society. I don’t like the institutions. I don’t like all the niceties and the stifling crap that people have to do all the time in order to be appropriate. What hogwash.

And yet I like people.

I told my childhood friend that he probably shouldn’t feel too bad about breaking the heart of one of those unfortunate women – I mean, they’ve only known each other for a day and it’s not like true love or anything. And granted, a deeper, darker part of myself seems to think that any girl that falls for a guy – no matter how handsome he happens to be – in a day is one stupid woman. I’m not being misogynistic here. This law applies for guys as well. I don’t believe in love at first sight.

Zhipeng and I were talking about people in general and we divided the world into three categories.

Women:

Category One: Nice people AKA sheep. I’m pleased to admit that most females I know tend to fall into this category.

Category Two: Unapologetically bitchy people AKA the wolves. HAHAHA, I think someone like Jessica might actually take this to be a compliment. It’s not actually a bad thing.

Category Three: Bitchy people that behave like nice people. Zhipeng seems to think that this category of human beings are those that are most dangerous since you can hardly know what they’re truly thinking of.

Men:

Category One: Douchebags AKA yours truly.

Category Two: Douchebags that pretend to be nice guys.

I’m sure I’ll appease the feminists by providing women with one additional category. Yay.

Very simplistic, definitely, but I think there might actually be some truth in this categorization.

Hum. Whatever. I think it’s the alcohol getting to me (tho it’s only what 5%?) and it’s making me mellow. Or maybe I’m trying to find excuses to hide my sappiness like what Chloe thinks.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
breyzyyin
Dec. 29th, 2013 05:00 pm (UTC)
I think most people act somewhat differently depending on who they're interacting with...the way I interact with my sister or mother is very different from how I interact with co-workers, and in turn I act rather differently amongst friends (often changing how I'll speak or talk depending on the friend in question too). I don't really think that makes me a hypocrite...in all those situations, I'm still fundamentally me at my core--I just know that sometimes some of the people I interact with tend to have their own different preferences for social interactions and the like, and so unconsciously I end up adjusting somewhat to those preferences or what I feel is appropriate for a given social situation. I know those people also do the same thing when interacting with me or others as well...so I've never really thought of it as being hypocritical, more like an odd quirk of social protocol that people unconsciously integrate into. Truthfully in certain situations, it's just easier...my uncle is horribly ignorant and will go into rants and rages about all sorts of things that are nonsense, and I know he does it to rile people up--simply shrugging off what he says and not rising to the occasion tends to defuse what could be really ugly situations elsewise.

I think people sometimes just really need to talk to someone about their situations, and it can be easier in a way to do so with people that they know aren't a part of it--that can be neutral and provide insight maybe they're not thinking of because they're so much more involved in the situation themselves. I wouldn't say that I get asked a lot for advice...but I often seem to be the person that others go to when they need someone to just listen to them, and that's basically because I'm considered a good listener and people know I won't say anything on the subject to others. Since I've been working at the library, I've had random strangers talk to me about what they're going through at times even...and I think it's mainly just because they need someone who won't judge them to listen to things and maybe validate some of their feelings. It's odd how often that can happen at times, but I think that probably means that people feel really comfortable with you and trust you quite a bit! :)

I think what accounts to being a "good person" sort of depends on each individual: it varies a lot depending on perspective. From what I know about you from here, I think you are truthfully...looking out for those you care for, but being helpful and considerate to others when you can--sometimes people don't even do that. Not everyone can forgive everything and that's a pretty understandable trait to have, and while it is important to try to help as many people as you can when it is in the scope of your ability to do so...you're right: there is no realistic way to save everyone. Simply living your life, helping people when it is within your ability to do so, and not going out of your way to harm anyone intentionally...I think that's a good way to live.

And yet I like people.
~Haha, you know...I kind of found myself nodding my head at this quite a bit. There's a lot of social protocol that I'm not entirely sure of myself, and I haven't fit in to the norm for society given certain situations I've been placed in and a medical condition I have...which has caused me some problems at various stages in my life. As a result, I've suffered with horrible social anxiety and extreme shyness (I feel more comfortable typing and writing things out--I could never probably say all of this to someone in person and have it even make a lick of sense, save maybe to Breyzy or my mother since I've always been more outgoing/open with them...I usually have to write my thoughts down on paper first to even feel confident enough to get the words out if a situation is really important to me). I don't really like interacting with people in social settings because of that: I feel way too self-conscious and like I'm just bothering them or something, and that I'm not getting cues right...but it isn't because I hate people or anything like that. I actually rather like people, and I want to be able to talk to people easier--so it's this odd situation all around.

Edited at 2013-12-29 05:03 pm (UTC)
breyzyyin
Dec. 29th, 2013 05:02 pm (UTC)
And granted, a deeper, darker part of myself seems to think that any girl that falls for a guy – no matter how handsome he happens to be – in a day is one stupid woman. I’m not being misogynistic here. This law applies for guys as well. I don’t believe in love at first sight.
~Yeah...that would probably be my viewpoint too. XD I feel bad in a way, because I think when people do feel that way...they honestly do feel it, but I kind of feel like that's maybe because the person is more in love with the idea of being in love than in actually being in love with the other person in that case. I've never really understood the concept of love at first sight: a crush? Yes. A "they seem really nice and they're easy on the eyes...I'd like to get to know them more!" moment after a day? Totally understandable! But...love? That takes more time to build, that you have to kind of understand someone a lot before that could realistically take place. That's even the whole concept why someone goes from stranger, acquaintance, friend, to *really* good friend/like family in friendship dynamics too...you don't automatically start out that way. I don't think a romantic love would be any different. I know others view it differently, but that's my personal opinion on the subject at any rate.


Haha, I feel like I'd probably fall into either Category One or Category Two for women depending on my mood...I have my moments of both! (I'm not really duplicitous or a b!tch pretending to be nice...I try to be polite and understanding for the most part, but there are some days where I just am in a mood or upset and it probably shows--I'm open on that front, I guess at least? I think a lot of women are probably the same way, orz. XD Yeah, I agree...I don't really think Category Two is necessarily a bad thing: having determination and drive is always admirable. I'll admit that sometimes being unapologetically harsh is a necessity in certain instances just to move past them.)

Aw, give guys some credit--I think there should a Category Three there too: nice guys who actually are nice. ♥ ...Truthfully, I think you'd probably fall into that category more than you'd think too. :)

Truthfully, yep...I think there is perhaps a bit of truth to this statement even in its simplicity. The world is comprised of nice people, strong-willed people, and (sadly) duplicitous a-holes...it's always my hope though that the nice people and strong-willed people outnumber the duplicitous a-holes by a rather large margin though.

I realize this probably makes me sound horribly naïve...I'm sorry if this maybe makes you laugh too hard or something out of amusement! XD

...And I apologize for the double-comment. I ramble too much, I think and I'm not sure it makes a ton of sense--so sorry about that!
steer2justice
Dec. 29th, 2013 06:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you for your very well-written response to my post. I'm actually flattered that you would take the time and the effort to think about what I wrote here (and indirectly reassure me that I'm not writing nonsense that no one wants to read).

I agree with so much of what you wrote here.

First of all, thank you so much for thinking that I'm a good person. I hope I am. I really want to be one. I find myself uttering "I want to be a hero" again and again in some moments of my life, though it probably is corny as hell, to keep out evil thoughts. I've always identified more with the morally ambiguous protagonists in video games and anime as you might have already known - so I feel the struggle pretty intensely.

Secondly, I think it's a wonderful thing to know and to understand people. In fact, there are so many individuals and lives and stories throughout the world. Every single human being you've encountered in your life has his or her own story, his or her own secrets and flaws. People are imperfect and therefore society would be naturally be imperfect as well. I find a lot of the rules and constraints pointless, is all. They detract from what is truly important, I think.

Hahaha, and I'm glad you managed to find some element of truth in that crappy philosophy we came up with on the spot. While I do share the hope that the nice people and the strong willed individuals outnumber the duplicitous asshats… the damage done by one asshat far outweighs the compassion and kindness that the former can give out. That's unfortunate but it's reality.
breyzyyin
Jan. 5th, 2014 05:02 pm (UTC)
You're welcome...I always find your posts really interesting and insightful to read! :)

Morality is very subjective to begin with, and since society tends to exist in shades of gray in reality...I think it's natural to identify more with morally ambiguous protagonists in things (truthfully, I find them far more relatable than their Shining Heroes or Maniacal Villain counterparts...since I think their viewpoints fit more for how a person might realistically approach situations).

From your posts here, I've always thought of you has a being a really good and thoughtful person given your viewpoints on things. ♥

Secondly, I think it's a wonderful thing to know and to understand people. In fact, there are so many individuals and lives and stories throughout the world. Every single human being you've encountered in your life has his or her own story, his or her own secrets and flaws. People are imperfect and therefore society would be naturally be imperfect as well. I find a lot of the rules and constraints pointless, is all. They detract from what is truly important, I think.
~This, I concur with wholeheartedly! :)

While I do share the hope that the nice people and the strong willed individuals outnumber the duplicitous asshats… the damage done by one asshat far outweighs the compassion and kindness that the former can give out. That's unfortunate but it's reality.
~All too true, unfortunately.

ranalinde
Dec. 31st, 2013 09:09 pm (UTC)
Haha, I always wonder, do a lot of people actually believe that they "love" someone at first sight? I don't think I've ever met someone who actually thought that way (maybe some people may say it like that, but in fact they're just being facetious or just mean "crush" or "lust at first sight" lol) so all the scoffing at people who believe it just seemed like a lot of straw-man targetting to me. I definitely also think that real love for someone is a feeling that is developed over time. The only way I can see "love at first sight" happening legitimately is if the people involved have previously loved each other in another lifetime and just never quite lost the memory they have of each other and so naturally feel drawn to each other. I do think that can happen, but it's probably really rare considering that very few people actually remember past lives. In these cases though, I guess you could say it isn't really "first sight" anyway. xD

Hmm, I would say that's a very simplistic way of looking at people. Everyone has their nice and bitchy moments and very few people would actually fall cleanly into just one of those categories. I do agree though that "nice" people who are only using their niceness as a facade to hide darker/meaner thoughts and intentions are the most dangerous types.
steer2justice
Dec. 31st, 2013 09:19 pm (UTC)
Ah, yeah. I agree. It is worth considering also that many people don't seem to see "love" the same way we do so perhaps to them it could work out. Like you mentioned, many are in "crushes" and jump straight to fulfill their baser instincts and jump to the erroneous conclusion that it was "love". I'm scoffing at those who believe so AND actually act on it and hurt other people (and eventually themselves) in the process. Though I do admit that it was pretty judgmental of me.

I know. We were originally just joking and I put it here because I thought there was some measure of truth to it. And these categories, like you said, are just that. It's too difficult to box the human psyche into such nice… um. Boxes.
ranalinde
Dec. 31st, 2013 09:24 pm (UTC)
That's true, people have different definitions of "love", and modern society has definitely helped to, well, cheapen the meaning quite a bit for a lot of people. xD; ...but yeah, I wish people wouldn't rush into these romantic relationships like that and end up hurting each other as a result. :(
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