*I copy-pasted from another blog I had and I apologize if you're unfamiliar with the names mentioned here. Just know that they're friends and people I know in real life.
I feel like a complete hypocrite.
It seems as though all I’m doing is telling people what they want to hear. Well, to some extent, I guess that is true. I acknowledge that I have this habit of molding myself to fit the other person. Yet I am still fundamentally the same.
Take today, for example.
I partook in three different social events today. I went out with Zhipeng in the afternoon, before heading to my grandma’s place to celebrate my sister’s birthday and I went out with my closest childhood friend in the evening til midnight. And at the same time I was talking to several other individuals through text messages. I did my fair share of encouragement and listening and offering my (uneducated) opinion – as usual. Yet the “me” that talks to Zhipeng and the “me” that talks to my childhood friend is different. I sat outside the shopping mall around eleven pm drinking a “breezer” with my childhood friend (an alcoholic drink btw) and talking about his relationship problems while being all formal and posh eating at a high class restaurant with Zhipeng and, well, talking about his relationship problems.
I wonder why people turn to me for answers and advice. I mean, it’s not as though I even know much to begin with. And listening to my childhood friend’s problems (women are throwing themselves at him like flies and he is currently in the unfortunate predicament of having a girlfriend and two other super close girls who have expressed interest in him and he actually reciprocated ah), I really feel as though I have no business here. Zhipeng, too. I wonder if I’m giving him the wrong advice. I mean, he thinks I made sense but then again.
Talking with Juni through text just made me extremely conscious and aware of how different we really are. I admire her faith and trust in God, certainly, but it feels rather uncomfortable to listen to her complete devotion at the same time. I find myself agreeing with her and telling her that she’s really a good Christian (I really think she is, honestly) but my words seem hollow almost seeing that I don’t even think being a good Christian is as important as being a good person.
Am I even a good person anyway?
I told Zhipeng today that I am the sort of individual who will only look out, first and foremost, for the people who care about me. It’s too tiring playing the hero and saving everyone and it’s impossible to do so anyway (though I always find myself trying unconsciously nonetheless). I profess to be completely ruthless and unforgiving against those who have wronged me in one way or another and he didn’t say much. Or at least I didn’t remember his answer.
And then I saw this little girl losing her grip on her balloon and chasing it frantically, running away from her parents to retrieve her precious possession. There was this black individual (though it happened so quickly that I didn’t know whether he was Indian or African-American tho it probably doesn’t matter anyway) who caught the balloon and passed it to me to pass it to the little girl and she smiled at me so radiantly. And then I think back to my earlier philosophy and I don’t think I’m acting like that. Zhipeng seemed impressed too and it seemed nice. And of course, feeling self-conscious, I tried to say that it was no big deal and that it was only because she was a little girl. That I couldn’t be bothered if it was some other person. I don’t know how true that statement was.
Granted it probably wasn’t a big deal. I mean, people live lives like that all the time. That little girl probably won’t remember this moment as vividly as I did. I don’t remember details all that often and well but it is moments like these that somehow come to mind.
And my aunt calls me misanthropic.
I don’t like society. I don’t like the institutions. I don’t like all the niceties and the stifling crap that people have to do all the time in order to be appropriate. What hogwash.
And yet I like people.
I told my childhood friend that he probably shouldn’t feel too bad about breaking the heart of one of those unfortunate women – I mean, they’ve only known each other for a day and it’s not like true love or anything. And granted, a deeper, darker part of myself seems to think that any girl that falls for a guy – no matter how handsome he happens to be – in a day is one stupid woman. I’m not being misogynistic here. This law applies for guys as well. I don’t believe in love at first sight.
Zhipeng and I were talking about people in general and we divided the world into three categories.
Category One: Nice people AKA sheep. I’m pleased to admit that most females I know tend to fall into this category.
Category Two: Unapologetically bitchy people AKA the wolves. HAHAHA, I think someone like Jessica might actually take this to be a compliment. It’s not actually a bad thing.
Category Three: Bitchy people that behave like nice people. Zhipeng seems to think that this category of human beings are those that are most dangerous since you can hardly know what they’re truly thinking of.
Category One: Douchebags AKA yours truly.
Category Two: Douchebags that pretend to be nice guys.
I’m sure I’ll appease the feminists by providing women with one additional category. Yay.
Very simplistic, definitely, but I think there might actually be some truth in this categorization.
Hum. Whatever. I think it’s the alcohol getting to me (tho it’s only what 5%?) and it’s making me mellow. Or maybe I’m trying to find excuses to hide my sappiness like what Chloe thinks.